She, Who Owns My World

"Wait for me, I'll be there in a 10 min."

That was the last words I heard from her. It had been almost an hour and I'm still hoping her 10 min is just around the corner. I never bothered asking where she is again, from past experience, this would just irritate her and make me wait more.

But patience is taking its toll. I kept my mind busy as I sit outside a fine dine restaurant, looking at every passer-by and admiring every beauty that this glorious night has to offer.

It was Friday night, and I was at the mercy of a cold night, as Christmas was fast approaching. I could have been with my friends, hanging out somewhere and enjoying music and possibly the warmth of beer. But I chose to be here, comforted only by the warmth light above me, taking refuge to the idea that soon, after 10 min of a slow moving clock, she will be here and sit in front of me. Yes, only time will tell how foolish I could be for something I wanted so badly.

Another 10 min had passed, more sexy ladies in their fine dress had greeted me with their smiles, and the coldness continues to drop that my hands begin to shiver from time to time. I look at the street and still I see no sign of her. I can't help but be bother by the possible reason that she could have been late. It was after all a Friday night, Friday traffic could be the culprit. But still, 10 min has quite passed its due.

As the clock continues to tick, I can help but see people near my table taking a peek at me. Perhaps their wondering how long I’ve been waiting here, alone and with just a glass of cold water, alone. Perhaps their right for wondering, I myself have been puzzled by why I'm here, still waiting, and didn't bother checking on her.

Frustration and anger has started to boil inside my head. For the past 20 min, I had been constantly fighting with the urge of just leaving the place and just call her after a few hours. But just the thought of leaving her alone is enough to make me wait for another hour or so.
10 more minutes and it would have been an hour and 30 minutes of waiting. But my world started to shine as I see a glimpse of her from the end of the street. There she was, walking slowly, with a smile that has been her most beautiful asset. As she slowly comes toward me, all the time that had been wasted to wait for her had been forgotten. It's like my world had once again been filled with warmth and joy as I look at her moving towards me. All the beautiful ladies that comforted my eyes during my wait had faded into her background. The world seems to have turned into black and white and only she had remained colourful, and shining in this black night.

It had felt like eternity, eternity filled with happiness, as I watch her walk towards me. I was in so deep that I didn't notice that we are now a foot apart. She smiled, while I still remain amazed and mesmerized. Then she leans toward me, and hugs me tight. She whispered in my ears, "Nice to see you again, Son."

Tears in her eyes started to fall, as I keep mine in my eyes. It had been more than 3 years since I last saw her. And the past 3 years hadn't been well for the both of us. I hugged her back and felt how aged had caught up to her.

She was once the most beautiful girl in my eyes, and she still is. I had been a big fan of her and she had been my closest friend. That's why it was so hard being away from her for a long time for the both of us. That's why this moment had been one of the best moments of my life.
As I escorted Mom inside the promised restaurant, not the fine-dine restaurant you would have thought, just a semi-fast food chain on a side of the mall, I felt stupid and angry with myself.
That one hour and thirty minutes of waiting, I had been the cruelest son. How could I complain about waiting, when she had waited everyday at home to see me grow into a fine man I am now? How could I complain about enduring the cold, when she had endured night months of pain and more than 3 hours of labour just to give me my life? How could I complain about not being out there and have fun, when she made my happiness hers. How could I complain about waiting alone, when I know those three years of being away, she had felt it more than I do.

Looking at her again, and seeing her smile back again, I told myself, "I could even wait a lifetime if it means, having this moment with my Mom".

Is Love just a State of Mind? Make your mind speak or make your heart do the talking...

A friend of mine wrote this article but was forced to keep it to himself after her girlfriend freaked out on the article and almost broke up with him after reading it. As a result, a great idea was burried in ruins and never saw the day of light...until now. After careful exploration (nice term for snooping around), I saw it and took the liberty to solicit your idea about it. Let your voice be heard. :)

Love is just a state of mind. Simply putting it, the mind makes you feel. It was never the other way around. The feeling is there because your mind tells you to feel that way. Now, I know many of you will contest…that feelings are not governed by our mind and that everything we feel is based on what our "hearts feel" and not what we think. Before anyone contest...let me explain why I believe that love is just a state of mind.

How would you know if you love someone? Some would say "I know it because I feel it" or "I love her and there's no explanation why". One would say "I know it because there's magic" or "I don't know. Love is so mysterious".
Does this answer why you love somebody or would it just lead to more questions like "If I feel it, then, is the feeling real?" or "If the magic is gone, did I fall out of love?" So on and so forth...

Now let me answer the question! You know you love someone when your definition of love is realized. Everyone has his own definition of love somewhere in his head. We may not realize it, but we are all somehow influenced with those definitions. We pick up these definitions almost everyday. We see it in movies, hear it from stories, and read it from books. It is everywhere. It is our choice. We choose to love and feel the way we want to.

Our choice of what to believe is the real difference with each and every one of us. Why does love evolve every time our age mature? The explanation is simple. Our definition of love becomes more complex as we absorb more definitions from time to time. How many of you hoped that you’ll be Cinderella or Prince Charming someday? I know everyone did. Who can’t hope for that? Everyone has read it. Everyone has seen it. Our society made us to think that way. Our society made us to “feel” that way.

To prove my point, even at this very moment, after reading my thoughts, you are face with a dilemma. Do you believe it or not. Do you absorb or reject it. This is how we feel. Every feeling that we have is based on what we believe in. If you believe in what I say then you’ll be glad. If not, then you’ll be outraged. This is also true for love.

Now, I ask you again. How would you know if you love someone? The answer is simple. It depends. It depends on who you are right now. It depends on where you live, how old you are, who you are with and what you believe. Love is just a state of mind. I don’t believe that love is just a random thing…that it just happens for some reason we can’t explain why. I believe that love is a choice. I believe that love is hard to explain but never mysterious. I believe that there is no right and wrong when it comes to love. I believe that love is just a state of mind.

Love depends on your perspective. It depends on your capability to accept what your subconscious mind is telling you. Falling in love is not something one can not control. Falling in love is giving in to your subconscious mind. Magic moments are not really as magical as it seems. Actually, magic moments are imitations of what is already in our minds. Our minds are so adjusted to those definitions that we react to it as if it was secondary to us.

Why is it that when we were young, we are more interested in making friends rather than attracted in having a relationship? Innocence! Our mind is not accustomed to needing someone of the opposite sex at that time. We just need someone to play. Whether boy or girl, it’s just the same. But as we grew older, we are exposed to the common thinking of a “normal world”. You now dream of a lovely wife or a good husband just like what this “normal world” suggests. Our whole life is actually controlled by what our society dictates it should be. Yes, even love!

Love is just a state of mind.

Taking the Last Breathe...of her

by konzen13

As wind began to blow a cold but memorable wind, coming from a very familiar lake, i sat on the soft ground covered with well laid vermuda grass, watching her walk.. walking away from me. Her face so familiar, more familiar than the place i used to go to, my alma mater. It was in this place that i knew her, young, un aware of the world, yet i knew she was a special friend i could hold dear.

But this scene was not the one I envisioned to be, I could have wished she was walking towards me, and have a long nice conversation to catch up with time. Instead, saw her already distance from me, I could see her waving but couldn't hear her voice. I tried to stand, run towards her and say that teary goodbye. But couldn't, the distance just gets longer as seconds pass, and then it suddenly rang. My phone waking me before my alarm could tick its first call to morning. A dream, no a nightmare I wish would never happen.

As I began to come to my senses, it was 5:35am in the morning, the sun was yet to show its bright rays, a not so good time to wake up early after a night of search. Last night was a sleepless night. I don't know why but somehow, I felt she was already living, or may have left already. I knew she had a flight coming, going abroad was a common destination in our place. Most of my batchmates have already freed themselves from the chain of life-death balance in our country, and I promised to follow, but haven't yet. I knew she would go, but always expected she would call after she had her date of departure. Never expected that she would just go without saying goodbye to her bestfriend, at least that's how I value her, best friend, my special friend.

And last night, everything didn't feel right. I had the feeling its her time to go. I tried her cell for any luck, as I've been trying the past three weeks to desperately have a hold of her, nothing. Her past numbers, just beep, a reminder that she might just wanna stay off my reach. But this time was a desperate time, tried her new close friend, the one she reside with, but she changed number as well and didn't have her new number. Her old friend that I knew well, she might knew, but no luck. I tried facebook, friendster, but hope was getting thinner as each minute that dies. My last hope, her sister, scanned my old sim if I kept her number, but just couldn't find one. It was a troubling night, and I felt hopeless. Nothing more but try to suppress this feeling, feeling that I'd be losing a friend and there's nothing I can do about it.

My phone continues to ring, I finally realize I'm awake. The call was from an unknown number, it must be important if he had to wake me up this early. As I answer the phone, there she was, her soft sweet voice, asking me if I still recognize her. Stunned, of course I would recognize her, how could I forget those voice that I long to hear. Yet I knew, call this early has to be something big, even for hear. And she finally said it, "I'm at the airport", a clichè, seeing her from a distance, just waving her hands. She said things that should calm my panicking mind but I couldn't hear her, just like that dream. I swear I could see her talking but I've hear none. All I could think is her, going away, without even having to say goodbye. No hugs, no goodbye tears, no smiling and no promise of reunification. Just a last minute unexpected call of goodbye. Three more hours and then oceans would be the distance that would come between us.

Three more hours... Wait, as if grasping for my final breathe. I'm an hour away from the airport, doing the math, I could still have less than two hours with her. And without 2nd thought, I performed a magic of my own, like a street performer change cards in an instant, I changed my clothes in a blink of an eye, and before I know it, I was calling taxi and making my final sprint to see her.

What was it that kept me sitting in my dream, why wasn't I able to run after her when there was still time. I never thought about that, I shouldn't, I couldn't, I just wouldn't. This is indeed a desperate time when reasoning becomes no more than a pack of lunch I've left at home.

And finally, sight of big gigantic airplanes, one will carry her away for a long time, can I be on it too?, just wishful thinking. After hope of seeing her, reality finally sets in, the airport is no public place where you can just come in and out. High level security and guards taught to be harsh to people without papers, and obviously I have none. And she had checked-in hours ago and I couldn't just pull her out, they wouldn't her out. It's not as if I didn't thought of this, that seeing her just wouldn't happen. But sometimes, when determination overtakes reasoning, you still goes through something despite the idea is inevitable, because sometimes, failure is more bearable than the guilt and regret you'll have when you never tried.

As I make my desperate move, pretend to be ignorant with the system, or pretend to know more about the system to have a way in, all means failed, and all I could do is feel that remorse. Nothing else to do but sit and wonder, is it really time to let go? I reached for my cell and called her. And finally said "goodbye. . ." And though the walls between us might be thick or thin, or she might be just above me on the upper level, it felt like she's already gone. Like I've chased a ghost this morning I was never bound to reach. A short conversation and no teary goodbyes, just pretentious good luck and occasional laugh, I hung up.

At this instance, I knew our world have finally took its final leap, mine going west, and her going east. No one knows how long she'll be gone, but I'm sure of one thing, part of her remains, and it will always connect our world no matter the distance is. Out on the already bright sunlight, I took a walk to have a view of her carrier and smiled. I may have failed but I tried. Then a cold wind suddenly blows toward me, like those time in my dream. Now I know, I was never meant to follow her, I was meant to sit there and wait for her, no matter what, I should wait. Then I took a deep breathe and inhaled as much air as I can, "This is same air she breathe with today, and I'm glad to have breathe with same air today, tomorrow will be completely another atmosphere..." And so on that very moment, I took my last breathe with her.

You will always be missed. Waiting for your return.