by konzen13
As wind began to blow a cold but memorable wind, coming from a very familiar lake, i sat on the soft ground covered with well laid vermuda grass, watching her walk.. walking away from me. Her face so familiar, more familiar than the place i used to go to, my alma mater. It was in this place that i knew her, young, un aware of the world, yet i knew she was a special friend i could hold dear.
But this scene was not the one I envisioned to be, I could have wished she was walking towards me, and have a long nice conversation to catch up with time. Instead, saw her already distance from me, I could see her waving but couldn't hear her voice. I tried to stand, run towards her and say that teary goodbye. But couldn't, the distance just gets longer as seconds pass, and then it suddenly rang. My phone waking me before my alarm could tick its first call to morning. A dream, no a nightmare I wish would never happen.
As I began to come to my senses, it was 5:35am in the morning, the sun was yet to show its bright rays, a not so good time to wake up early after a night of search. Last night was a sleepless night. I don't know why but somehow, I felt she was already living, or may have left already. I knew she had a flight coming, going abroad was a common destination in our place. Most of my batchmates have already freed themselves from the chain of life-death balance in our country, and I promised to follow, but haven't yet. I knew she would go, but always expected she would call after she had her date of departure. Never expected that she would just go without saying goodbye to her bestfriend, at least that's how I value her, best friend, my special friend.
And last night, everything didn't feel right. I had the feeling its her time to go. I tried her cell for any luck, as I've been trying the past three weeks to desperately have a hold of her, nothing. Her past numbers, just beep, a reminder that she might just wanna stay off my reach. But this time was a desperate time, tried her new close friend, the one she reside with, but she changed number as well and didn't have her new number. Her old friend that I knew well, she might knew, but no luck. I tried facebook, friendster, but hope was getting thinner as each minute that dies. My last hope, her sister, scanned my old sim if I kept her number, but just couldn't find one. It was a troubling night, and I felt hopeless. Nothing more but try to suppress this feeling, feeling that I'd be losing a friend and there's nothing I can do about it.
My phone continues to ring, I finally realize I'm awake. The call was from an unknown number, it must be important if he had to wake me up this early. As I answer the phone, there she was, her soft sweet voice, asking me if I still recognize her. Stunned, of course I would recognize her, how could I forget those voice that I long to hear. Yet I knew, call this early has to be something big, even for hear. And she finally said it, "I'm at the airport", a clichè, seeing her from a distance, just waving her hands. She said things that should calm my panicking mind but I couldn't hear her, just like that dream. I swear I could see her talking but I've hear none. All I could think is her, going away, without even having to say goodbye. No hugs, no goodbye tears, no smiling and no promise of reunification. Just a last minute unexpected call of goodbye. Three more hours and then oceans would be the distance that would come between us.
Three more hours... Wait, as if grasping for my final breathe. I'm an hour away from the airport, doing the math, I could still have less than two hours with her. And without 2nd thought, I performed a magic of my own, like a street performer change cards in an instant, I changed my clothes in a blink of an eye, and before I know it, I was calling taxi and making my final sprint to see her.
What was it that kept me sitting in my dream, why wasn't I able to run after her when there was still time. I never thought about that, I shouldn't, I couldn't, I just wouldn't. This is indeed a desperate time when reasoning becomes no more than a pack of lunch I've left at home.
And finally, sight of big gigantic airplanes, one will carry her away for a long time, can I be on it too?, just wishful thinking. After hope of seeing her, reality finally sets in, the airport is no public place where you can just come in and out. High level security and guards taught to be harsh to people without papers, and obviously I have none. And she had checked-in hours ago and I couldn't just pull her out, they wouldn't her out. It's not as if I didn't thought of this, that seeing her just wouldn't happen. But sometimes, when determination overtakes reasoning, you still goes through something despite the idea is inevitable, because sometimes, failure is more bearable than the guilt and regret you'll have when you never tried.
As I make my desperate move, pretend to be ignorant with the system, or pretend to know more about the system to have a way in, all means failed, and all I could do is feel that remorse. Nothing else to do but sit and wonder, is it really time to let go? I reached for my cell and called her. And finally said "goodbye. . ." And though the walls between us might be thick or thin, or she might be just above me on the upper level, it felt like she's already gone. Like I've chased a ghost this morning I was never bound to reach. A short conversation and no teary goodbyes, just pretentious good luck and occasional laugh, I hung up.
At this instance, I knew our world have finally took its final leap, mine going west, and her going east. No one knows how long she'll be gone, but I'm sure of one thing, part of her remains, and it will always connect our world no matter the distance is. Out on the already bright sunlight, I took a walk to have a view of her carrier and smiled. I may have failed but I tried. Then a cold wind suddenly blows toward me, like those time in my dream. Now I know, I was never meant to follow her, I was meant to sit there and wait for her, no matter what, I should wait. Then I took a deep breathe and inhaled as much air as I can,
"This is same air she breathe with today, and I'm glad to have breathe with same air today, tomorrow will be completely another atmosphere..." And so on that very moment, I took my last breathe with her.
You will always be missed. Waiting for your return.
