Taking the Last Breathe...of her

by konzen13

As wind began to blow a cold but memorable wind, coming from a very familiar lake, i sat on the soft ground covered with well laid vermuda grass, watching her walk.. walking away from me. Her face so familiar, more familiar than the place i used to go to, my alma mater. It was in this place that i knew her, young, un aware of the world, yet i knew she was a special friend i could hold dear.

But this scene was not the one I envisioned to be, I could have wished she was walking towards me, and have a long nice conversation to catch up with time. Instead, saw her already distance from me, I could see her waving but couldn't hear her voice. I tried to stand, run towards her and say that teary goodbye. But couldn't, the distance just gets longer as seconds pass, and then it suddenly rang. My phone waking me before my alarm could tick its first call to morning. A dream, no a nightmare I wish would never happen.

As I began to come to my senses, it was 5:35am in the morning, the sun was yet to show its bright rays, a not so good time to wake up early after a night of search. Last night was a sleepless night. I don't know why but somehow, I felt she was already living, or may have left already. I knew she had a flight coming, going abroad was a common destination in our place. Most of my batchmates have already freed themselves from the chain of life-death balance in our country, and I promised to follow, but haven't yet. I knew she would go, but always expected she would call after she had her date of departure. Never expected that she would just go without saying goodbye to her bestfriend, at least that's how I value her, best friend, my special friend.

And last night, everything didn't feel right. I had the feeling its her time to go. I tried her cell for any luck, as I've been trying the past three weeks to desperately have a hold of her, nothing. Her past numbers, just beep, a reminder that she might just wanna stay off my reach. But this time was a desperate time, tried her new close friend, the one she reside with, but she changed number as well and didn't have her new number. Her old friend that I knew well, she might knew, but no luck. I tried facebook, friendster, but hope was getting thinner as each minute that dies. My last hope, her sister, scanned my old sim if I kept her number, but just couldn't find one. It was a troubling night, and I felt hopeless. Nothing more but try to suppress this feeling, feeling that I'd be losing a friend and there's nothing I can do about it.

My phone continues to ring, I finally realize I'm awake. The call was from an unknown number, it must be important if he had to wake me up this early. As I answer the phone, there she was, her soft sweet voice, asking me if I still recognize her. Stunned, of course I would recognize her, how could I forget those voice that I long to hear. Yet I knew, call this early has to be something big, even for hear. And she finally said it, "I'm at the airport", a clichè, seeing her from a distance, just waving her hands. She said things that should calm my panicking mind but I couldn't hear her, just like that dream. I swear I could see her talking but I've hear none. All I could think is her, going away, without even having to say goodbye. No hugs, no goodbye tears, no smiling and no promise of reunification. Just a last minute unexpected call of goodbye. Three more hours and then oceans would be the distance that would come between us.

Three more hours... Wait, as if grasping for my final breathe. I'm an hour away from the airport, doing the math, I could still have less than two hours with her. And without 2nd thought, I performed a magic of my own, like a street performer change cards in an instant, I changed my clothes in a blink of an eye, and before I know it, I was calling taxi and making my final sprint to see her.

What was it that kept me sitting in my dream, why wasn't I able to run after her when there was still time. I never thought about that, I shouldn't, I couldn't, I just wouldn't. This is indeed a desperate time when reasoning becomes no more than a pack of lunch I've left at home.

And finally, sight of big gigantic airplanes, one will carry her away for a long time, can I be on it too?, just wishful thinking. After hope of seeing her, reality finally sets in, the airport is no public place where you can just come in and out. High level security and guards taught to be harsh to people without papers, and obviously I have none. And she had checked-in hours ago and I couldn't just pull her out, they wouldn't her out. It's not as if I didn't thought of this, that seeing her just wouldn't happen. But sometimes, when determination overtakes reasoning, you still goes through something despite the idea is inevitable, because sometimes, failure is more bearable than the guilt and regret you'll have when you never tried.

As I make my desperate move, pretend to be ignorant with the system, or pretend to know more about the system to have a way in, all means failed, and all I could do is feel that remorse. Nothing else to do but sit and wonder, is it really time to let go? I reached for my cell and called her. And finally said "goodbye. . ." And though the walls between us might be thick or thin, or she might be just above me on the upper level, it felt like she's already gone. Like I've chased a ghost this morning I was never bound to reach. A short conversation and no teary goodbyes, just pretentious good luck and occasional laugh, I hung up.

At this instance, I knew our world have finally took its final leap, mine going west, and her going east. No one knows how long she'll be gone, but I'm sure of one thing, part of her remains, and it will always connect our world no matter the distance is. Out on the already bright sunlight, I took a walk to have a view of her carrier and smiled. I may have failed but I tried. Then a cold wind suddenly blows toward me, like those time in my dream. Now I know, I was never meant to follow her, I was meant to sit there and wait for her, no matter what, I should wait. Then I took a deep breathe and inhaled as much air as I can, "This is same air she breathe with today, and I'm glad to have breathe with same air today, tomorrow will be completely another atmosphere..." And so on that very moment, I took my last breathe with her.

You will always be missed. Waiting for your return.

Darkness Amidst Daylight

It was 8 am in the morning, waking up as the ray of the familiar summer sunlight passes through the thin curtain, directly into my eyes. A reminder that it was a time to spend alone, without work, without the nurture of anybody around, without the slightest idea of what would become my day.

It was the 8th of April, 2009. The next day would be a big day for many, its the Maundy Thursday, a long holiday extending to the Eastern Sunday. Many would be thrilled with the idea of a long vacation. People could put their pens down, ride their self-earned cars to their hometown where eager families wait for their visit.

But here I am, taking an extended vacation. It was a week vacation for me and my colleague in my work. Apparently, monday was also a national holiday, so everybody was thrilled with the idea of taking a two day leave to have a super, extended vacation. When I said everybody, I meant everybody in my department, including our Department Head, who was not a Filipino anyway, decided to take a week vacation. Left me with one thing to do, join the vacation flee.

And so here I am, find myself alone, with no one to invite to breakfast. I had friends, but nobody would be accessible in the middle of the week. Friends at work? Their either beating their tongue to finish whatever job to be finished before the vacation, or joined the vacation fiasco and already miles away from the soon-to-be crowded roads of Metro Manila Zoo (a harsh description?). College friends? Well, summer heat is on, you'll never enjoy college life if you don't get a taste of summer escapade, and this week would be perfect. Or perhaps busy with their graduation preparation, (I really wished you had passed it, but 2383, I know you can do better in the CPA board that graduation ceremony wouldn't even matter). Net_friends? Well, got lot of reasons not to show on a weekday, not really interested if true or not. Family? I could swim the sea and let the current wash my body from my sin while at it. Obviously, Mindanao is far too distant to even think of going to without proper preparation, not to mention the excessive budget you must have. Housemates? Well, out to work, it seems I'm the only one with the good working environment that allow long vacations like this to happen, others, they wouldn't even look at the paperworks.

So, after a thousand thoughts on how this day should proceed, I went on deciding sleeping was the best option. But sleeped too long already a day ago, my head just screaming to get up. The sun even has its own way of betraying my profound idea of a good morning sleep, it continue to splash its shining golden ray to my weak well-rested eyes. Lost, I pushed myself up and shake my head, telling myself, I could do better than to lay in my bed all day.

With the positive thoughts I tried to sink into my mind (always think positive, let the universe conspire to bring you what you think, familiar with THE SECRET), I hoped I could survive this day. With breakfast already at the table, I couldn't find the appetite to even look at what is already served, perhaps my stomach would urge me to look sooner. I sat on the brown lifeless sofa, still with the ragged morning hair and a few morning star, turned the TV on and waited for any familiar show. No use, I've been way into my office every morning that I couldn't really relate to what is shown on the limited channel our TV gets. I switched to CSI and I had a few luck, Yu-Gi-Oh is showing and I still have the memory of this anime, I could use some refreshing ideas.

With the TV on, and unclean self alone in this tiny place, I forced myself to formulate whatever option I have this day. Yesterday, I thought of getting my passport for future use, June had been a date I look forward to look for options abroad. But yesterday, I didn't have enough motivation to do so. I thought of going to this Employment Agency that keeps on calling me whenever there is an Foreign employer around, but I forgot to copy my updated CV on my office desktop, blame it to the 8GB Flash Drive I lost. I tried to remember places I could visit, but going alone would be a lot worse than here, I could try to meet new people but it takes the perfect mood to have the jive for it, and today, I'm not in that mood. I could study and read technical books to enhance whatever is left in my deceptive brain, but I'm not really used to read numbers in the morning, the night can wait. Lots of possible things to do, but here I am, empty and out of idea. It never was like this, I used to walk the street of my hometown whenever I have downtime like this, but here was different. No familiar faces to pass, no idea where to execute my walking loop to keep my mind busy. Just a bit strange place on a strange day.

'Twas then I realize, the sunlight earlier was just an illusion to make me believe something that wasn't even there. It was daylight in many parts of this area, but I know in my world, the deceptive rays of sun was just the natures trick to make me believe its bright. But I know deep inside, there is Darkness Amidst the Daylight.